spring breakers

I was a true “spring breaker”. In both high school and college, I had the opportunity to travel to sunny places with big dreams of cute boys and a bronze tan. I’m sure we saw cute boys, but my fair skin usually gave way to burn before I tanned. There was plenty of beer and other craziness, but a relatively safe and good time was had by all.

On this year’s Spring Break, my first in about 15 years, I learned a few things, the biggest of which is that I’m now old. We’re not even visiting a place I would consider a Spring Break haven (we did this on purpose), but it has been an eye-opener for sure. Here are a few observations, in which I have no doubt my “oldness” will ring true:

1. Teens and college students are rude. This isn’t a complete shock as I have a tween, but they walk in front of you to get in elevators, disrupt your happily playing children in the pool and are so, so loud. They’re old enough to carry a fully-packed cooler to the beach and young enough to get in the elevator and press all 15 buttons, right before your eyes.

2. Beer bongs are all the rage. I remember these contraptions, but they weren’t like a daily necessity. They’re now a mass-marketed item, Spring Break-branded and and for sale at every cheap beach trinket store. And they’re also in the hands of the vast majority of partiers walking down the streets.

3. A uniquely decorated Spring Break drink holder is apparently standard issue. They are giant, gallon-sized OJ or other juice bottles blinged-out and bedazzled with paint, glitter, jewels and Greek letters. And they all contain some sort of unidentifiable, probably lethal, beverage. I believe it’s this lethal concoction that leads to the horrible sunburns on most of these strange creatures.

4. (Almost) everyone in Destin attends Alabama. You can hear “Roll Tide” all day long, from every balcony and gang of inebriated children.

5. Bikinis and girls have gotten smaller, but their boobs have gotten bigger. The rest of me has gotten bigger. Did I ever dress like this?

6. Even on vacation, every teen and college student has a cell phone in their hands. AT ALL TIMES.

7. Drinking on the beach is a bad plan. We’ve seen plenty of young people in dire straits. I do not like this look into the potential possibility of my children’s futures. I have decided they will stay like this forever:

Every woman, from every town, of every age, has been to a “Thirty-One” party and purchased a large rectangular tote bag.

9. No matter your age, no matter your vacation location, it’s never fun to go home. Today is our last day and we’ll be making the most of it!

10. Hoards of Spring Breakers or not, I’ll truly miss my office view!

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